Friday, October 11, 2013

A Congressional Lunch


Don’t ask me how I obtained it, but I am in receipt of a taped conversation between two Congressmen. From the noises in the background I can only assume that they were having lunch somewhere, perhaps the Congressional cafeteria. Neither of the Congressmen are identified except for the obvious fact that one is a Republican and the other a Democrat, hereafter referred to as RC and DC. I publish the transcript of their conversation in my role as a citizen-journalist, without editorial comment.

RC: The reason the government is shutdown is because your party is controlled by a bunch of amoral statists who can’t stand the thought of one day going by without the government being there to redistribute wealth.

DC: No, the government is shutdown because your party is controlled by those knuckle dragging Tea Party illiterates who want old people and babies to die without health insurance. Can you pass the salt?

RC: Sure, but take it easy on that stuff. It can send your blood pressure through the roof. Well, some of the Tea Partiers might be a bit irrational, but at least their heart is in the right place. The loons in your party want to install communism and make everybody a ward of the state.

DC: Actually, I heard not long ago that salt isn’t as bad for you as doctors used to think. Better a ward of the state than to live in a country that castrates homosexuals, and wants women to stay at home barefoot and pregnant.

RC: Well, if our women were pregnant, at least we would celebrate it instead of aborting the child. If you guys had your way we would all be homosexual, that way nobody would ever be pregnant. Is it just me or are these rolls a little stale?

DC: Oh sure, you Republicans and your culture of life routine. Please! You guys are all about life until the child is actually born, then you’re the first ones to defund Head Start. You’re right, these rolls are probably left over from yesterday.

RC: Better a culture of life than a culture of death. You Democrats want to abort every baby and then you want then euthanized by Obamacare’s death panels when they get old. How can you live with yourselves? Got any plans for the weekend?

DC: I sleep like a baby at night with a clear conscience, secure in the knowledge that I care deeply about what’s best for humanity. And because I care so much, I get invited to all the best parties in town. Just the other night I got to shake hands with Angelina Jolie. I was hoping to take Barb and the kids to the Smithsonian but since your Neanderthal party shut the government down, that’s out. How about you?

RC: Yeah, we were planning on checking out the WWII memorial but since your Stalinist party turned the National Park Service rangers into your own private Gestapo, I guess that’s out too. Who cares about Angelina Jolie? Last week Jill and I got to meet Megyn Kelly, talk about a babe!

DC: If I weren’t morally opposed to gun ownership, I would be tempted to take an AK-47 to that tramp. Fair and balanced, my ass.

RC: Well, I guess it’s time to head back to the salt mines. Can’t believe you took 30 minutes out of your day to eat lunch, what with all the kickbacks you need to collect from your union thugs.

DC: Same here. The Koch Brothers must be getting worried since they haven’t heard from their most trusted tool in the past fifteen minutes. Give Jill my love.

RC: Will do. Same time tomorrow?