Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Er...On Second Thought


Yesterday, this space suggested that men needed to bow out of political office for a few years and let women take over. Now, I hear news that makes me rethink that idea. The Congressional Black Caucus has just put forward Sheila Jackson Lee as a candidate to replace Janet Napolitano as Director of Homeland Security. Wait a minute. On second thought…

I will not here catalog the manifold failings of Congressperson Lee. It would take too long and I do have to get to work at some point today, but suffice it to say that the one legislative accomplishment of her interminable tenure in Congress was her Co-Authorship of a Congressional Resolution honoring Michael Jackson. My favorite Jackson Lee quote was the one where she was touring the Mars Pathfinder Control Center at NASA and asked the director if the Pathfinder had taken any pictures of the American flag that Neil Armstrong had placed there in 1969.

According to the fine folks who make up the Congressional Black Caucus, Ms. Lee would bring “valuable and unique insights and perspectives to the job of protecting the homeland”. I’ll say! This got me to thinking about other similar candidates that could emerge for other government jobs if what we were looking for was merely, “valuable and unique insights and perspectives” rather than actual qualifications. What follows is a short list.

1.     Let’s get Bernie Madoff out of prison to run the Federal Reserve when Bernanke steps down. Talk about unique insights? I can’t think of a more qualified candidate to run the Fed than a man who successfully ran a Ponzi scheme without detection for twenty five years!

2.     How about we put Paula Dean in charge of the School Lunch Program? She needs work, and it would have the added benefit of cutting down on the truancy rate.

3.     Sean Penn would certainly bring unique perspectives to the Department of Defense. Once he got finished disarming the country and surrendering to Cuba, we could balance the budget.

4.     Talk about an Agency that could use some unique perspectives, how about we get Warren Buffet to run the IRS? Since he’s so horrified that his secretary pays a higher rate than he does, I’m sure he would figure out how to fix that in no time.

5.     Let’s get Nancy Grace to become the new Attorney General. She used to be a lawyer right? We could use some screaming hysteria at the Justice Department, don’t you think?

6.     Lil Wayne could head up the National Endowment for the Arts. Rap IS art, right?

7.     Tim Tebow would make an excellent Ambassador to the United Nations. Who could resist that smile? I can see it now, right in the middle of a contentious debate, Tebow smiles and says, “Well, our job as the United States is to work hard and try to get better each and every day. God bless.”

8.     Bryce Harper as President Obama’s Press Secretary. “That’s a clown question, bro.”

9.      Sarah Palin could run the Department of the Interior. She’s from freaking Alaska; it doesn’t get any more interior than that.

10.    And finally, Kim Kardashian, a woman who has accomplished nothing her entire life yet is somehow famous, would be the perfect person to run the Commerce Department, an agency of the federal government that has accomplished nothing its entire life and yet still exists.