Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Zero Tolerance

Suffolk, Va.

Wednesday, May 8

Associated Press:

Two 2nd grade boys from Driver Elementary school were suspended today for making shooting noises while pointing pencils at each other. The boys, aged 7, had no previous history of violence, and both ceased the forbidden activity when asked to do so by their teacher. Suffolk Public School spokesperson, Bethane Bradshaw said that a number 2 pencil is in fact considered a weapon when it is pointed at someone in a threatening way and gun noises are made. When questioned about the incident, one of the boys said that he was pretending to be a Marine and his friend was pretending to be a bad guy.

In a related note, three other male students at Driver Elementary were given suspensions last week for various infractions of the school’s tough “zero-tolerance” behavior policy. A third grade boy was sent home for making flatulent noises with his underarm, a fourth grade boy for claiming that girls have “cooties”, and a fifth grader for excessive doodling during math class. Ms. Bradshaw offered the following explanation:

“Making fake flatulent noises is potentially hurtful and embarrassing to children who inadvertently let one slip during class. At Driver, we are an accepting community, and want all of our children to feel nurtured and valued, regardless of the level of anal control they may have. As far as the “cooties” incident is concerned, we don’t think that infectious diseases, be they real or imagined, are anything to joke about.”

Ms. Bradshaw could not be reached for comment about the doodling episode, but sources have revealed that this was not the first infraction of its type in this particular math class, that in fact something close to an epidemic of such doodling has been going on in math classes throughout the Suffolk Public School system for years. It is unknown what connection, if any, might exist between long division and doodling rates.


For the record, the first paragraph of this blog was taken verbatim from my morning news feed. The rest of it was taken from my exasperated imagination which has come to the conclusion that public schools in this country have LOST THEIR FREAKING MINDS.