Sunday, January 20, 2013

Dunnistan. Fully Staffed and Open For Business!

My brother left me a message on my phone yesterday, indignant that I hadn’t named him the Secretary of State of The Republic Of Dunnistan. My nation isn’t two days old and I’ve got my first diplomatic challenge. After re-reading yesterday’s post it occurs to me that I should flesh out the infrastructure of Dunnistan, since I left you with precious few details about the makeup of my State, and here in Dunnistan, we pride ourselves on full-disclosure. In fact our motto is, “Dunnistan, the only Nation with no State secrets.”

OK, my Secretary of State is my brother Donnie. This was a no-brainer since he’s always been someone who hates conflict and avoids it at all cost. Since my entire defense apparatus consists of one Daisy Powerline 35 BB gun with one 2400 count plastic box of ammunition, Donnie will be severely restricted should he get the urge to invade another country. Donnie will also be my point man at the United Nations. Since the Gross Domestic Product of Dunnistan is only $250,000 I’m sure we will be in line for some sweet no-interest loans from the International Monetary Fund.

I’ve decided that we don’t really need a Secretary of the Treasury. I mean, all the money we need is generated out of thin air in the basement, and it never has to be paid back, and even if it did, we would be paying ourselves back, so what’s the point?

The population of Dunnistan is limited so those who serve in my administration will have to wear many hats. For example, My sister Linda is my Secretary of Health and Human Services, and Surgeon General. She’s the most tenured nurse in the family so, she’s qualified. My other sister Paula serves as my Attorney General and Press Secretary, and Secretary Of Education. Although she isn’t actually a real lawyer, she has led 25 groups of talented and gifted students to victory in mock trial competitions during her 30 year teaching career. Close enough. Anyone who knows Paula knows that she will be the greatest Press Secretary of all time. After the first press conference, every reporter in the room will cower in fear at the back of the room rather than risk asking a “perfectly ridiculous question!!”

My daughter will be the Poet Laureate, and my Son will head up the National Endowment for the arts. Since Dunnistan is all about endowments, thanks to our handy printing press, the arts will flourish.

That leaves an awful lot of jobs to be filled by the First Lady…as follows.

Secretary of the Interior

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Secretary of Agriculture

Technology Czar

Secretary of Organization

Common Sense Czar

Welcome Wagon

She’s in charge of the interior of all State buildings( my house ), she keeps the nation organized with her epic computer skills, she welcomes all visitors with grace and cheer, a multi-tasking government official if ever there was one.

One more thing. In the spirit of always creating new government jobs and continuing the time-honored tradition of nepotism, I have created a new post, the Secretary of Fixing and Repairing Stuff. This position will be jointly filled by my two brothers-in-law, Bill and Ron. Seeing as how the executive branch of my government has very limited truly useful skills, there will be much work for them to do.

There. A fully functioning nation, complete with a working bureaucracy, staffed by cronies of the President. We are ready to roll and open for business!