Sunday, June 24, 2012

A Modest Proposal....

My understanding of the concept of Affirmative Action is as follows: Whereas minorities have suffered discrimination for generations in America, government should aggressively seek to balance the scales for today's minorities by giving them advantages and preferences in areas such as education, employment etc. In this way, the years of disadvantage they have suffered will eventually be ameliorated. At some point in the future, the scales having been balanced, the need for Affirmative Action will have passed, at which point employers and admissions officers can go back to offering positions to the best, most qualified applicant, be they male, female, or transgendered, black, white, or transcolored.

Well, as a sports fan, I would like to suggest that there are endless injustices in the world of sports that could use a liberal application of Affirmative Action. For your consideration, I propose the following suggestions.


1. NASCAR....Poor Danika Patrick can't make it through a single race without getting put into the wall by some good old boy who can't handle getting beat by a girl! It's clearly not enough that Danika is allowed to compete with these neanderthals. Something needs to be done to help her overcome the overwhelmingly misogynistic headwinds that she faces. Affirmative Action remedy: Give her a two lap head start.

2. NFL....To even the casual fan, the almost total lack of white players at the skilled positions in professional football is appalling.When the offense trots out on the field in practically every NFL stadium on Sundays, its always the same story. The two wideouts are black, the running backs are black and now increasingly, the quarterback is black. Oh sure, there are white guys on the field, but inevitably they show up on the offensive line, or at defensive tackle, or even worse, as a punter or field goal kicker. I've heard all the explanations about athleticism, but must everything be about speed, jumping ability, and reflexes? Affirmative Action remedy: Limit each team to only one black corner back and one black outside linebacker, thereby opening up opportunities for slower white running backs and wide receivers.

3. THE CHICAGO CUBS....It's been 104 years now since this woe-begotten franchise has won a World Series, and with all due respect to Theo Epstein, nothing is going to change until an Affirmative Action remedy can be found: Grant the Cubs an extra out per inning at all home games.

4. NBA...There exists nowhere on earth a more glaring example of height discrimination than at an NBA game. The size of these guys is literally through the roof. Used to be that your center might be 6'8", but now even point guards are giants. Don't even get me started on these 7 foot freaks that roam the lanes every night. Height ism is out of control in basketball, making it nearly impossible for that scrappy 5'6" kid with a dream to have a chance. Affirmative Action remedy: Impose a height-cap which would work just like the salary-cap. Team rosters would be limited to gross inches, not to exceed for a 12 man roster say, 900 inches. This would allow teams to keep certain over sized players but would open up roster spots for legions of short guys needed to get the team under the height-cap.


This is just a start. There are many other injustices throughout the world of sports that cry out for government scale balancing, the near monopoly that Korean women have on the LPGA tour, the practically complete non-existence of Jewish football stars in the SEC, just to name a couple. But the world's longest journey begins with a single step. A little social engineering with the use of Affirmative Action can go a long way to righting these outrageous wrongs.