Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Sick, and on a Dayquil bender.

I’m on a Dayquil/Nyquil bender. I’ve been swallowing those hard plastic pills now for two days every six hours like clockwork. In the day time it’s the rusty orange ones. At night it’s the Christmas green ones. The box says it’s for “multi-symptom relief of cold and flu”. All I know is that about the time the six hours are up, I start to feel as if I’ve been run over by a very large vehicle travelling at a high rate of speed, driven by Satan himself. Then I fight the child protection packaging that this miracle drug comes in for about five minutes. The pills come bubble wrapped and then plastered with some sort of demonic epoxy to a hard plastic and foil backing. There’s a little mark in the middle of the package that suggests that perhaps it holds the key to entry. My spastic fingers, aching from the hit and run, Lucifer-driven semi, struggle mightily to rip the thing open. One might ask why I don’t just pick up a pair of scissors and cut the thing open. In such a weakened condition, I do not trust myself with sharp objects, THAT’S why. I notice on the top lid of the box there’s a PARENT WARNING. It suggests that I visit a website called “StopMedicinAbuse.org” to help me stop teen medicine abuse. Hmmm…

Once the pills are freed I hold them in my hands for a minute and stare at them with fiendish expectation. For an instant, I feel a great kinship with drug-addicts the world over. I know that once I choke these babies down sweet relief will be on its way in approximately 25 minutes. I use the word “relief” very broadly here, since even fully medicated, I feel like a common expression for barnyard manure. But with the help of my “Quil-Fix”, at least my eyes aren’t swollen shut from non-stop sneezing, at least the steady stream of fluid that was draining directly out of my nose unto the carpet has stopped it’s flow, and at least I can no longer feel every muscle in my body twitching in unison. However, like with all wonder drugs, there are side effects….

The Dayquil box says “non-drowsy” in the corner. What it should say is..”non-coherent”. After I popped my most recent dose, I headed into the office to quickly retrieve my laptop and a few files so I could work from home today and not infect my partners. Once there I was overwhelmed with confusion as to why the heck I had come in to the office. Something about a computer, or maybe I should use the bathroom while I’m there or maybe I needed a cup of coffee. I sat down at my desk and looked at my calendar and was disturbed to see no appointments scheduled all day long!! What the heck kind of lazy slob had I turned into anyway? Then I remembered that I had rescheduled them all since I was sick and had planned to stay home today and sleep it off. Well, if that’s true, what the heck was I doing at work? What an idiot?!

Back at home, I sit at my desk and stare blankly at a list of 8 clients with whom I need to to schedule annual reviews. Do I trust myself to complete this task without incident? Thanks to my Dayquil cloud, there’s a chance I might say something inappropriate:

Client: Hello?

Me: Hello Bob, this is Doug. It’s that time of year again, time for your annual review.

Client: Wow, time sure flies. How did we do this year?

Me: Honestly, it was another disappointing year and if things don’t turn around soon, you’re screwed. Oh, and about those plans of yours to retire at 62?..ain’t happenin’.


Maybe I’ll make those calls tomorrow. Tonight I will sleep well thanks to a little help from Nyquil. These shiny, jolly- green miracle workers do everything that their burnt-orange cousins from the day do, with the added bonus of knocking me out until morning. Yes, there are a couple of side effects. The first is that when I do wake up, there’s not a single drop of fluid left in my body. The inside of my nose is like a lunar landscape. My eyelids are glued shut and my lips are shrunk to half their size. But that’s a small price to pay for a nights’ sleep. The second side effect? I can't remember.

So, here’s to you, Vicks, a subsidiary of Procter and Gamble, and your manufacturing facility in Canada, for getting me through these past two days, er.,, eh??