January 1, 2012. Time for my all-knowing, all-seeing, stone cold, lead pipe cinch predictions for the new year. Back in August I wrote a prediction piece that didn’t fare too well. The Redsox and the Phillies didn’t , in fact, play in the World Series, and John Boehner was not actually killed in a tragic tanning bed accident. But I was right about the Kardashian wedding going belly-up less than 4 months in, so I have THAT going for me. This is the real deal. I’m ready. I feel especially clairvoyant. Who does predictions in August anyway? So enjoy and take full advantage of the heads up. Come back a year from now and tell me how right I was. Oh, and bring me a check for 10%.
1. 2012 will end without peace in the Middle East.
2. Kim Kardashian will become a born again Christian on live television, in an emotional display of repentance and contrition at Joel Osteen’s church. Four months later she will announce that she is renouncing her Christian faith to become a Transcendental Prophetess.
3. In a gesture of political goodwill, President Obama will present a brand new Chevy Volt to Speaker John Boehner. Two days later the car will spontaneously burst into flames inside Boehner’s garage in Georgetown. At the funeral Obama will praise Boehner’s commitment to the environment.
4. The New Orleans Saints will win their second Super Bowl title in the past three years by beating the Baltimore Ravens. Drew Brees will win the MVP and promise to do something about that hideous birthmark on his face.
5. The Miami Heat will win the NBA title after Lebron James comes down with a mysterious case of trench foot. In James’ absence, Dwayne Wade averages 39 points per game throughout the playoffs.
6. Gloria Cain will begin divorce proceedings against her husband Herman, citing his inappropriate relationship with Siri from his I-phone as “ the last straw”.
7. Despite much sound and fury to the contrary, the United States government will spend more money in 2012 than it did in 2011.
8. Mitt Romney will win the Republican party nomination, becoming the first Mormon to be so honored. He names Wisconsin congressman Paul Ryan as his running mate. In a bold move designed to prove that he does, in fact, have a sense of humor, they arrive at the Republican convention center in Tampa riding two bicycles, wearing white shirts with skinny black ties.
9. President Obama dumps Joe Biden from the ticket for 2012 replacing him with Hillary Clinton. This political power couple runs for reelection under the slogan…” It Could Have Been Worse”.
10. After losing the Republican nomination battle, Ron Paul runs as a Libertarian independent. In a move designed to appeal to blue collar workers, he names Mike Smith, a mechanic from Buffalo, as his running mate, saying, ”If Joe Biden can be Vice-President, how hard can it be?”
11. President Obama loses his bid for re-election to Mitt Romney. After analyzing the exit poll data, liberal political commentators are unanimous in their conclusion that he lost because he was black. Michelle Obama goes back to being ashamed of her country.
12. Charlie Sheen will get his own realty television show. It will be aired from 2am to 3am on Thursdays. It will be called “Occupy Winning” and will receive 11 Emmy nominations, despite getting cancelled after only 7 shows.
13. The Dow Jones industrial average finishes 2012 up nearly 15% at 14000, surprising practically every financial analyst on every financial show on television. Jim Cramer files for chapter 11 bankruptcy protection.
14."Occupy Wall Street…the movie”, starring Sean Penn, Alec Baldwin , Whoopi Goldberg, and a thousand extras from homeless shelters all over the country, opens to critical acclaim and empty theatres. Despite its dismal failure at the box office it receives an Academy record 17 Oscar nominations