Now that my level of revulsion at the Penn State child abuse story has cooled somewhat, I am ready to resume my uncanny knack of picking winners in college football. Unfortunately,I waited until today to write this , so I couldn’t pick Iowa State’s stunning upset of Oklahoma State. I would have picked that though because any fool could have seen that coming right? So, here we go:
Nebraska vs. Michigan
This is an easy pick. In a classic match up between a flashy, big play offense and a tough, hard-nosed defense, the defense wins 75% of the time. This game is in the Big House, but, the Cornhuskers went into Happy Valley in front of the pathetically overwrought Penn State fans last week and took care of business, so, no worries. Actually, Nebraska may have found an opponent with a bad enough defense to make even their error prone QB look good…Nebraska 35-28.
UVA vs. Florida State
I can’t figure out UVA. They have a barely serviceable QB, no elite athletes, woeful special teams, and the worst fans in Christendom, and yet, here they are with 7 wins and talking about beating Florida State to set up a rivalry game next week with Virginia Tech for the Coastal division title in the ACC. As the great Keith Jackson would have said…”Whoa Nellie!!” Whenever I have picked UVA to win they seem to lose and vice versa, so I’m kinda in a bind here. Let’s see…rock paper scissors…coin flip…sorry, all you Hoos in Hooville, but I just can’t imagine the Cavaliers with an 8 win football team, Florida State 23-17.
USC vs. Oregon
I loved hearing all of the Ducks quacking after they beat Stanford last week, claiming that they, not Alabama, deserved a rematch with LSU by the flawed logic that they actually scored 27 points against the Crimson Tide. Yes, you did score 27 points. But LSU scored 40 and manhandled you the entire game until two garbage TD’s in the fourth quarter made the score less embarrassing. Don’t get me wrong, Oregon is a perfectly fine Pac-10 team who is exciting to watch…when playing other pac-10 teams like USC. The Ducks will struggle against the Trojans but manage to pull this one out and then we all will have to listen to their hollow boasts for another couple of weeks. Have fun playing Oklahoma in the runner Up Bowl. Oregon 42-35.
Penn State vs. Ohio State
This game may well set back offensive football 50 years. I hear that the over and under on total first downs in this game is 20. Unless these teams figure out a way to score on defense or special teams, we may just have our first 0-0 regulation division 1-A game since the epic 1983 “Toilet Bowl” game between Oregon and Oregon State. If so, it couldn’t happen to two finer programs. Ohio State will be forever in Penn State’s debt for making the Buckeye NCAA infractions seem innocent by contrast. I declare this game the “Moral Decay Bowl”…Penn State 3-0.
William & Mary vs. UR
My Spiders have lost 7 straight games, three of the losses by a total of 5 points, but 7 straight nonetheless. In this game records have never mattered. Both teams will play like it’s for the championship of the civilized world, and it will be entertaining. Richmond has beaten W&M 5 out of the last six games, but the one loss was a 41-3 ass-whipping last year in Williamsburg. With that humiliation in mind, I say that my boys break out of their funk and find a way to eek this one out 21-20.
Tony Stewart vs. Carl Edwards
Since there are no other compelling games on the slate I figured I would weigh in on a sport that I have been gradually losing interest in over the past 5 years. Nascar’s “chase” has come down to the last race of the interminable year and the two contenders are in a virtual dead heat. So, let’s compare and contrast the two contestants, shall we? Who has a more appropriate Nascar name?” Carl” sounds like a driver, “Tony” sounds like a character in West Side Story. Who looks the part? Carl Edwards is the new face of Nascar, with his washboard abbs and famous back-flip celebrations. Tony Stewart couldn’t do a back flip if his flabby life depended on it, he with the pudgy, sinister Pillsbury dough-boy looks. Carl drives a Ford and Tony drives a Chevy…so there’s that whole thing. Both are ruthless win at all costs types. Carl flashes a million dollar smile, Tony, a 25 dollar smirk. Neither is a southerner, so that stinks. Carl will be clean shaven, Tony will have a three day growth of beard. Man, this is such a tough call. Tony Stewart strikes a blow for making sure Nascar doesn’t go Hollywood on us by wrecking Carl Edwards on the last lap and winning by a bumper.