Its week eleven of my college football prediction blogs and, under the circumstances, I’m not feeling it. Somehow, I have a disgusting taste in my mouth concerning the sport that will prevent me from summoning the proper levels of wit and frivolity required to proceed. I will, however, make one fantasy pick as follows:
Nebraska vs. Penn State
It’s senior day in Happy Valley. That’s a real shame for the seniors. It’s not their fault that the morally indifferent athletic department tolerated a known pedophile in their midst for 17 years. It’s not their fault that every coach that will be on the sidelines or in the booth for this game was complicit in the cover-up. So, it’s a real shame that they will have to go out this way. But in a perfect world, the Nebraska Cornhuskers would annihilate Penn State today. They would win the toss, elect to receive, and run the kickoff back for a touchdown. Then they would try and succeed at an on-side kick, and on the first play from scrimmage, Rex Burkhead would run off tackle, and plow through 6 defenders for a touchdown. Then Nebraska would go for two, and after only 35 seconds had run off the clock, the score would be 15-0. Then Nebraska’s famed black shirts would physically man-handle the Penn State offense into multiple turnovers. By halftime it would be 72-0 and the blue shirted fans would be shamed to the parking lot. Like I said, this is a fantasy pick, but can’t a fella dream?
It’s practically impossible to find humor in a story this evil, but I actually have. My crack research staff,( er..me), discovered that in the Penn State book store on campus as recently as yesterday, one could still purchase a copy of Jerry Sandusky’s Autobiography. Now, before I share the name of this book, it might help to set this up by imagining what other despicable men in history might have named THEIR autobiographies, had they had a chance to write them….
Richard Nixon……” Actually, I AM a Crook”
Josef Stalin……….”To Make an Omelet You have to Break 30 Million eggs”
Gen. William T. Sherman……..”A Walk In the Country”
Adolph Hitler…..” A Funny Thing Happened on the way to my Bar Mitzvah”
Alexander The Great……….”Community Organizing Before It Was Cool”
Josef Mengele…….”Preventative Medicine”
So, I didn’t even know that Jerry Sandusky had led an eventful enough life to even write an autobiography, but up in State College, Pa. apparently all it takes is lifetime employment in the football program. Anyway, the title to this holiday season must-read? Wait for it…..”TOUCHED”. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. The most infamous molester of young boys on the planet titled his autobiography, “Touched”.