I went 3-3 last week and I’m not happy about it. UofR decided to employ a daring new strategy of playing NO defense at all just for fun, and just see what would happen. Well, what happened was a 45-43 loss, at home. Then UVA takes yet another two steps backwards as a program by losing to Southern Miss. Ahhh, the ACC, that college football juggernaut, whose teams last week lost to the likes of : Southern Miss, Temple, Kansas State, and Cincinnati. So I guess you can hardly blame them for running out THESE stellar opponents in week 5: Towson, Bethune-Cookman, Idaho, and Florida International. Please. Somebody needs to defend this pathetic conference to me because ripping them every week is getting boring. Here we go….
Virginia Tech vs. Clemson
So I guess these two teams represent the cream of the ACC crop. Clemson has looked somewhat impressive so far but I’m not entirely convinced that they can play defense. VT, has hardly broken a sweat in the softest opening 4 games in the 5000 year history of competition, so I have no way of knowing who they are either. But, they are at home, the lunch pail will get its obligatory sideline shot, Tech fans will get to pretend that they are a serious contender and Tech wins 38-35 proving that , in fact, Clemson cannot play defense.
Alabama vs. Florida
Meanwhile, over in the SEC where real contenders live, Alabama goes into the Swamp to take on the Urban Meyer-less Gators. I am totally convinced that Alabama not only plays defense, they play it better than half the teams in the NFL. Alabama’s linebackers look like real grown men to me so you’re not going to catch me picking against them, at least not this week. Roll Tide 24-10.
Nebraska vs. Wisconsin
A lot of red. Russell Wilson Heisman talk ramps up big time after this one. Badgers win 35-20 when the famed “black shirt” defense is mistakenly put on a plane to Kansas State out of force of habit.
Texas A&M vs. Arkansas
The Aggies faithful are positively giddy over the announcement that they have been accepted into the SEC for next year. After this week, buyers remorse sets in. “ Wait a minute,” a coach is overheard saying after the game, “you mean to tell me that we have to play against guys like THIS each and every week?? Where in hell are the Iowa State’s on the schedule? Whose idea was this anyway??” Look on the bright side Aggie fan, at least you won’t be in the Longhorn shadow anymore. That’s gotta count for something, right? Razorbacks 28-21.
JMU vs. UofR
Madison lost their star quarterback to a failed drug test, proving that Division I-AA has come a long way, baby. Wasn’t too long ago when the only time a Division I-AA school lost a player was when they failed a Physics test. But now we’re out there recruiting drug users with the big boys. Lucky for the Dukes, Richmond plays no defense, so JMU could throw their equipment manager out there under center and still win this one. JMU 37- 24. Sigh…
Auburn vs. South Carolina
In Columbia, the student section rocks with the hearty cheer, “ GO COCKS, GO!! “, a somewhat creepy double entendre. For the last 30 years or so, that’s about the most fun Gamecock fans had, the chance to shout an obscenity in public without censure. But now, under the obnoxiously reprehensible leadership of Steve Spurrier, and a game-changing running back named Marcus Lattimore, they are finally relevant. Actually, they are quite good from what I’ve seen so far this year. But something tells me that Auburn wins this game. I know, I know…last time I went with my “trick knee” Florida State let me down. But I am nothing if not unteachable. Tigers win 40-35.