Friday, September 9, 2011

WEEK 2. This time I'll go 6-0!

OK sports fans, my debut week of college football prognostication was a raging success, marred only by two rookie mistakes. First, never pick your school’s arch rival to beat anyone, and secondly, never pick against the SEC in big , high profile games. But, other than those hiccups, I will take a 4-2 start. Onward, and upward. This week I plan on running the table with these 6 winners:

Alabama vs. Penn State

Two traditionally great programs with two traditionally and dependably boring uniforms. Bama and their plain, red helmets with white numbers will clobber Penn State with their plain white helmets with blue numbers. Not only will the Tide roll, but the Nittany Lions will not score a point, losing 24-0. But, not wanting to rub it in, and eager to prove that he indeed does have some class, Nick Sabin will offer Joe Paterno some warm Ovaltine and graham crackers at half time.

South Carolina vs. Georgia

Mark Richt has successfully turned the Bulldogs into a second tier program in the SEC the RIGHT way, by running a clean ethical program. What an idiot!! After their pathetic performance against Boise State last week he now faces the program that has replaced his in the top tier of the SEC, the gamecocks of South Carolina and their obnoxious “ball-coach” Steve Spurrier. Georgia is defeated again 42-17 and Mark Richt starts working on his resume.

Stanford vs. Duke

These two schools have the highest team GPA in division 1-A. The much anticipated cold fusion competition at halftime will be won by the Blue Devils, their third consecutive Golden Slide Rule. However, on the gridiron they will have no such luck. Andrew Luck plays for the other team and he will throw for 6000 yards in the second half alone. Stanford wins 65-28.

UVA vs. Indiana

Assuming anyone shows up to watch this game, it will be highly entertaining. The bottom-feeders of the Big 10 meet the bottom-feeders of the ACC. But, UVA is improving and Indiana is a basketball school, so despite a barrage of three-pointers by the Hoosiers, the Wahoos win 21-15. The Hoosiers and the Wahoos, two of the dumbest nicknames in sports.

Notre Dame vs. Michigan

The Fighting Irish, a team that year after year gets away with demeaning an entire race of people with a hateful ethnic slur, travels to the big house to play a Michigan team that year after year gets away with being called an elite program despite a police blog a mile long and losing to Appalachian State…at HOME! Hard to pick against the Pope and all and despite Brian Kelly’s purple-faced act on the side lines, his Golden Domers will win 30-27.

Virginia Tech vs. East Carolina

These two schools probably have the lowest team GPA in division 1-A. At half time there will be no academic competition, thank God, so both schools will be spared the embarrassment of not knowing how to spell “ C-L-A-S-S”. Unfortunately, the actual game won’t provide much competition for the Hokies either, as they blow out the Pirates 48-7. The “Hokies”..THE dumbest nickname in sports.