Saturday, September 3, 2011

COLLEGE FOOTBALL WEEK 1..Stone cold, lead pipe locks.

College football is great fun. It has also become somewhat of a guilty pleasure. One cannot help but feel a bit guilty for rewarding such a corrupt maniacal monolith as college football by watching game after game and contributing to the gargantuan ratings that serve as fuel to the beast. But, that is a topic for another time. The bottom line is, we love the game, every ridiculous, over-hyped, joyous second of it. We love the packed stadiums, the awesome tail-gating, the passion of the fans, ESPN Gameday…everything. So, today begins my weekly tradition of offering my stone-cold, lead pipe lock picks. I will concentrate mostly on the state teams but will also throw in prominent games of national interest. I, along with you, will keep a running total of my record. This will result in either blog after blog of interminable bragging or only occasional mention of my failures as proof of how corrupt the game actually is, not to mention scandalously horrible officiating. At this point I suppose I should declare my prejudices. I am a huge U of R fan, having matriculated from that fine institution. I also have always enjoyed the SEC brand of football, having spent three years of my youth in Louisiana/ Alabama. I’m not a huge ACC guy. Generally I believe Virginia Tech fans to be among the most obnoxious in the country, with their delusions of grandeur, their incessant whining at even the slightest snub, and their epically hideous uniforms. And I see from this years Tech schedule that they will be favored in every game, so I suppose I should prepare for more Hokie bravado. Ok..that’s about it. Here we go!

James Madison vs. UNC

If God cared about football, JMU should win this game. They are a good team, play in a great division 1-A conference, and UNC is a crooked program who fired their coach like three days before spring practice. But, God has a lot on his plate at the moment, so the tar heels will prevail 24-14 with the help of several mind-numbingly awful calls by an officiating crew clearly on the take.

William & Mary vs. UVA

This is a tough call for a bunch of reasons. Although W&M is a long time rival of my school, I have nothing but respect for Jimmie Laycock. Although UVA leaves me cold, and attending one of their home games is like going to a polo match featuring that gorgeous team from Saint Christopher’s with those heavenly Italian boots, while sipping mint juleps and catching up on the latest gossip about the pending engagement of Biff and Barbie…but I digress. The only good thing about UVA is their terrific young coach Mike London, who several years ago coached my alma mater to a national championship. ( For Hokie fans, that’s when your team wins the championship game and is crowned the best team in the country ). So I root for Mike whenever I can…..but not today. William & Mary upsets the cavaliers for the second year in a row 31-27.

Appalachian State vs. Virginia Tech

Once again, if it weren’t for all of the trouble in the middle east, and the fact that our own country is in the process of self destructing, God would be all over this and insure a victory for Appy State, if for no other reason to demonstrate the truth of his warning that “pride goeth before a fall and destruction before a haughty spirit”. But alas, absent divine intervention, Tech wins going away 35-13.

UofR vs. Duke

We have beaten the weak sisters of the ACC twice in a row, and despite losing our head coach a week ago for getting a DUI, we will do it again 20-3. Just a side note, can you imagine any big time SEC or Big 12 coach losing his job because he had a few pops and got pulled over by the cops? Me neither.

Boise State vs. Georgia

This is sort of a big game but I don’t care very much because its Boise State. Sorry, great program, and they can beat anybody, anywhere, anytime. But, they can do so because they only have to do it once or twice a year. Most weeks they simply wipe the floor with the San Hose States of the world while a team like Georgia is in the belly of the beast every single week in the SEC. But, Boise wins this game 21-20 and then proceeds to complain for the next 10 weeks about their ranking in the polls.

Oregon vs. LSU

LSU’s quarterback gets in a bar fight at 2 in the morning two weeks before this headlining game in a year where his team is picked to perhaps win the SEC championship. Oregon is in hot water over a $25000 payment its program paid to a sleazy recruiter in Louisiana that helped them gain the services of a talented running back. Is college football beautiful or what??!! Losing your QB two weeks before a game against an opponent as good as Oregon does not bode well for your chances. Oregon holds on for a 28-17 win that will probably have to be forfeited once the NCAA finds out that the sleazy recruiter guy was blackmailing Oregon coach Skip Kelly on account of their long-standing gay relationship. Just kidding.

So there you have it.