Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Predictions!

It’s the end of August. Time for predictions. Here are some things that will happen before the end of 2011. Mark it down.

1. The Boston Red Sox will play the Philadelphia Phillies in the 2011 World Series. At least one game will be played in snow flurries and the Phillies will win in 6 games because they have superior pitching. Actually that’s five predictions in one but as long as the Phillies win I will claim it as a vindication of my baseball prognostication genius.

2. The months of November and December will be exceptionally cold and snowy and this unusually bitter early winter will join the Japanese Tsunami, the European debt crisis, the Arab Spring, and hurricane Irene as things that President Obama will blame for the faltering economy.

3. The Cincinnati Bengals will have more players arrested than they will have wins by 12/31/2011.

4. The 2011-2012 NBA season will be cancelled and no one will notice until after the Super Bowl is over. But on the bright side, Lebron James will sign with the San Antonio Silver Stars of the WNBA and finally win a championship.

5. In a shocker, Wake Forest will kick a field goal as time expires to defeat Duke 3-0 to win the ACC championship in football after every other team in the conference is given the death penalty by the NCAA for multiple recruiting violations and other ethical lapses.

6. After John Boehner is tragically electrocuted in a bizarre tanning bed accident, Eric Cantor is elected Speaker of the House, becoming the first Jewish man to hold that position. He also becomes the first man in American history to actually have been born, potty-trained, learned to walk, celebrated his first birthday party, learned to read, had his first date and first kiss, got married, conceived all his children, and ate all of his meals actually on the grounds of the U.S. Capital.

7. Despite winning every internet presidential straw poll, and enjoying huge support from legions of non-voting college students, Ron Paul withdraws from the Republican nomination contest, citing the media conspiracy against his candidacy. Even up to the end polls showed solid support among gold coin collectors.

8. Mayor Bloomberg of New York announces a controversial new law making it illegal not to go into debt shopping for Christmas. “The fact is,” said the Mayor, “ New York needs the sales tax revenue and we cannot tolerate our citizens living within their means again this year.” Called the Anti-Scrooge law of 2011, it calls for each head of household to spend no less than one month’s take-home pay on his or her spouse by December 24 or face 30 days in jail. The ACLU immediately challenges the law on the grounds that it unfairly stigmatizes Jews and Muslims by leaving them out, a clear effort to marginalize Non-Christians.

9. Kris Humphries files for divorce from Kim Kardashian less than four months after their much celebrated wedding citing irreconcilable differences. “ I just found that we had drifted apart.” explained Mr. Humphries “ Since the NBA season was cancelled, I’ve had a lot of time on my hands, and frankly, a little bit of Kim goes an awfully long way.”

10. Danica Patrick crashes three cars in two days during practice sessions at Daytona Speedway leading up to her first fulltime season in NASCAR. “Its been a learning experience,” said a clearly annoyed Patrick to reporters afterwards. “I guess I shouldn’t be applying mascara while I’m on the track, but old habits are hard to break.”