Wednesday, June 22, 2011

"Let's Make A Deal" first Oval Office address

Good evening. This is the first chance I’ve had as your President to address you on live television here from the Oval Office, and I must say, this place is amazing. Much bigger than it looks in the movies. Anyway, back last November when you guys shocked the world by electing me President, I began work on what I was going to call my administration. You know…Teddy Roosevelt had “The Square Deal”, his cousin Franklin Roosevelt had “The New Deal”, and Harry Truman came up with “The Fair Deal”. Well, after weeks of thought I’ve decided to call my Presidency…”Let’s Make A Deal”. And the deal is this…as the representative of the government I promise to get Leviathan off your back and out of your way, balance the books around here, and generally introduce some common sense reforms so that you won’t be embarrassed every time you watch the news. In return, you’ll have to promise to knock it off with all the belly-aching, stop blaming all of your personal failures on somebody else, and get out there and make something of your life. What do ya say?

First, let me explain my end of this bargain. I will not here go into exhaustive detail about every issue facing us as a nation. For one thing, I don’t have all the answers. Heck, half the time I don’t even know the right questions! For example, I know virtually nothing about energy( although I’m pretty sure its none of my business what kind of light bulbs you should be allowed to buy)or housing or agriculture so I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I do. There are some broad themes that I do know a thing or two about and so I will lay out tonight what the goals of my administration will be. Hopefully this won’t take too long because I don’t want you to have to miss the American Idol finale…so here goes.

Foreign policy: effective immediately I am pulling all U.S. forces out of Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya, Europe, Japan, and South Korea and any other place they may happen to be. The first three countries on this list are just a God-awful mess and combined not worth one drop of American blood. The next three are all pretty wealthy places and I figure that they need to take care of their own defense needs. The party’s over guys since we have no money. Henceforth as long as I am President the military will never be asked to be the world’s policeman and the days of the US marines being turned in to community organizers are over. In addition, to help safeguard against the casual commitment of US forces in some ill-conceived mission in the future, I shall make it mandatory that all children of elected officials be required to serve in frontline units of any and all combat divisions of the Army, Navy, and Air Force.

Domestic policy: effective immediately I have ordered an across the board 15% spending cut throughout all agencies of government with no exceptions. Now I know that this will punish all agencies equally and some will argue that some departments should be exempted. But the more I think about it the more that I like the across the board idea…so much easier. If we ever balance the budget, then we’ll talk about restoring some of the cuts. But until we get our financial house in order..a little shared sacrifice, OK? I will also propose a complete overhaul of the tax code with all of its Byzantine contradictions and Rube Goldberg logical leaps and replace it with a flat tax of 17% with NO deductions…for anyone. That’s right, you heard me. No charitable deduction ( if the only reason you give is to catch a break on your taxes, shame on you), no home mortgage interest deduction ( why should we make it more desirable to own than rent? Its none of my business where you live.), no deductions period. Also, everyone will be required to pay their taxes themselves either with a check or online, NO WITHOLDING allowed. That way people will understand exactly how much they are having to pay in taxes. This change will eliminate the need for the IRS and place millions of accountants out of work but on the bright side, it will save everyone else a fortune in fees and lost sleep. Now I know some of you are thinking “I’ll have to pay more under this plan”, or “that rich guy over there he might end up paying less”. Well, get over the class envy people. Our current system has produced a nation where 45% of Americans pay no income taxes at all. That can’t be right can it? Besides, if you eliminate all of the complexities of the system, you will effectively take away all power from politicians, and won’t that be worth it?

And oh yeah, by the way…I’ve decided to decriminalize casual drug use. Over the past 50 years there exists no government initiative that has been a bigger failure than the “War on Drugs”, with the possible exception of the “War on Poverty”. But at least with the war of poverty we don’t imprison those who stay poor. Alcohol use in this country destroys millions of lives and consumes millions more in property and yet its legal and the government collects a fortune in tax revenue from its sale. I see no reason why some kid who smokes a joint should be thrown in jail. And since the majority of violent crimes are drug related, maybe a lot of that violence would disappear and the government would raise some much needed cash. Have you noticed how broke we are? Oh, and one more thing. I will introduce legislation next week to make our congressmen and women part time legislators just like they are in most of the states. Along with the part time status will come an elimination of life time congressional pensions and health benefits. The Founding Fathers never imagined full time career politicians. An added benefit of this plan will be that since there is less time devoted to “law-making”, there will be less of it. Plus, during the off season, the capital building will be available for civic groups to rent out and also for birthdays and bar mitzvahs. We need income, people.

In closing let me mention that since I am President, I have taken the liberty to impose a few changes outside of government..just because I can. First off, for the remainder of my term in office the American League is hereby forbidden to use the designated hitter. I also have taken it upon myself to bring back the chain gang work crew concept in all federal prisons since there is so much work out there that Americans just won’t do. And last but not least, I have declared lite beer to be illegal in all 50 states and the District of Columbia.

Well, its been a pleasure to speak with you tonight and I see from the clock right above the Thomas Jefferson portrait that its 8:50...made it with ten minutes to spare. I hope in the future to always thus exceed your expectations. God Bless you and God Bless America.